Friday, 15 November 2013

Dear Universe....

Facing a 10.5 hour shift in The Wine Shop With No Wine (and remarkably there is even less wine than usual) I came to the conclusion that I really need a new job.
Yeah I know, hardly a newsflash.
I decided to write a job wishlist- put it out to the universe...

Dear Universe,
As a response to the miserable crap numerous challenges you have provided me with in the last 5 years or so I thought it might be time to reward me by giving me a kick-ass new job. To make this easier for you I have prepared a list of requests:

Travel- but not just to places like Bendigo. Although Bendigo is lovely and I am very happy to go there occasionally I would like some overseas travel. France would be nice or Italy, I'm not picky. I do need to see London at some stage too. I will even fly economy.

A desk- with an ergonomically designed chair and my keyboard at the right height. Not a stool perched in a shop window where I feel compelled to do my best caged bird impersonation (it's good Universe, take some time out of your busy schedule to check it out). Actually, you know what, I'm being demanding. A table that I can put my knees under with a not completely uncomfortable chair (preferably with a back on it) will be just fine. And a computer that works 90% of the time. I'm prepared to compromise.

A lunch break- half an hour would be lovely. Preferably in a work-place with a microwave (for leftovers) and a tops sushi place nearby- the type that does sushi rolls, maybe some black rice ones too.

Somebody to talk to- I believe they call them colleagues. I've heard you can discuss stuff and interact with them. That sounds amazing and it means that if I still have customers in my new job I am much less likely to bombard them with inane chatter because I am so desperate for human interaction.

Friday night drinks- This is a lovely concept:
a) finishing work before dinnertime
b) finishing work for the week on a Friday
c) going out to celebrate a) and b) every week.

Weekends- 2 whole days off in a row when everybody else has 2 whole days off in a row. Stuff of fairytales.

Work to do- Don't you worry, I understand "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean". I can give myself jobs to do 'til the cows come home (when are the cows actually due? do we know?) but there are only so many ways to artfully arrange the last 4 bottles of pinot grigio.

Doggy daycare- I have a great pooch. He is very well behaved but eats things (Optus cables, toxic plants etc) when left alone. If he could have a playdate while I'm working that would be awesome. Or can he just sleep under my desk?

Business lunches- Now this is bold. If we could slot this in somewhere I'm prepared to give up the microwave.

Wine- Not to get drunk on. To taste. And write about. And talk about with my colleagues (how exciting are colleagues!). Nice wine with diacritics above the letters in the names. Names I will mispronounce because I have only ever see then written and so have created a pronunciation in my head. Please let my colleagues think this is funny in a cute way before they gently correct me.

Recognition I have a brain- Yes, I know it is buried fairly deeply but once you clear away the detritus of too many conversations about the weather it is still high functioning. I think. On sunny days.

Flat shoes- The job doesn't have to include them, I can bring my own. I want a job that appreciates the ability of a female employee to leap into action at the first sign of a hostage drama/emergency evacuation/need to nip down to the shop because the espresso machine* has run out of milk.

Thank you for you time and effort Universe.
 N x

PS. Fear not, I am not the type to resign via blog entry. My lovely Manager knows all of the above except maybe my desperate need for black rice sushi.

*seamless request for an espresso machine.



  1. Come to London next year for the summer! Paris is only three hours away by train!

    1. I didn't want to be so base as to name a salary here but money is the grand obstacle in that plan. Plus, other people get to travel with their jobs, why can't I? :)


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